I just finished fixing a mess that wasn't really mine..
There were words that came out of my mouth yet I wasn't in the right mind. I was angry, I was hurt, I was panicked to head off your aggressive comments.
I know you want me to change. You want to change. Our ugly addictions want to meet at the top of the mountain. Who will win? Who will lose? Who is the winner or loser from that scenerio? Do I want to win that battle? Do I want to lose with a smile on my face when my fake guidance falls from that mountain? My false guide is pretty strong. He/she has muscles that you can't see on a tv screen. Yours has discreet powers that only few know, yet they can leave you defenseless to their power.
We succumb to evil, only because they give us momentary gifts of happiness.. My "guide" can make me smile, laugh, dance, and want to embrace what I think life is.. Why do I have tears falling out of my eyes while I write this if this "false" momentary happiness is how I'm supposed to feel..?
I know its not, yet still afraid to reach out again. Too afraid. Afraid on what could happen if I do. My false guide lets me know that I don't have to worry, and that he'll be there any day that I need him. He may make me feel bad, but promises to make me smile, and laugh once again. He/she has a track record of making me smile, laugh, dance, sing, yet also fall, cry, hurt, and yearn. Yet, has taken away dreams, purpose, goals, and seems to have singled me out to laugh at me when I'm caught in that web once again.
I feel foolish, when I am a man that can't contribute. It hurts my soul when I can't break out of my being. When I can't I can't give advice to someone less fortunate than me. It hurts me when I know I have wasted my life.
I loathe to look at my reflection when I'm sad. My addiction reminds me that, I don't have anything to offer. My heart has been blinded, twisted, torn, beat, encaged, and neglected. I don't know how to act. Just looking at the afternoon sky, gives me a smile sometimes. Still too afraid to open the shades too much in my room. Its just much more safe if you keep the shades drawn and keep out...... everything